Legal Robberies

In an apparent effort to plug the gushing pie hole that is the Obama Administration's greasy oil dump on the Gulf of the Mexicans, BP's deadbeat parent company Bullshit Petroleum appointed Boo Dudley, the creepy, retarded guy from Harper Lee's true novel, CEO of the pretending-to-be Broke Petroleum.

“Democracy, rights and accountability” are buzzwords that mean absolutely nothing if they are not explained. Dear God, why do I feel that someone is going to translate “democracy” as “demokrasia?” And could someone please insert some Kenyan music I can identify?

We promise "democratic reforms" ahead of Brazil 2014. We'll feed our soccer players filth from the fast food joints you're spreading around the world. (We're "Lovin' it!"). Come kickoff, you'll see 300-pound Africans, Europeans, Asians and those guys from the countries south of your border in spandex and helmets.

I wanted USA to win because I have been a fan of the team since their 1994 performance. But after the ESPN2 commentary that followed the match with Slovenia, I'm vowing to never again support Team U.S.A. In fact, any self-respecting African supporting USA should stop.

I can't imagine the Pentagon was simultaneously exploring for minerals and fighting the Taliban, so I assume the minerals accidentaly surfaced when the military dropped smart bombs into craters left by nuclear bunker busters.

Regardless of all the mediocrity, someone is going to win. Will anyone ask Meg Whitman whether "jobs are on the way" up or down? Chris Kelly, without using the names Boxer and Feinstein, would you please tell us why we should vote for you? And Mayor Gavin Newsom, please explain what "greenest mayor" ...

Reaching for those dollars, Awilo Longomba looked like those Africans you see on CNN stretching hands out for food when the UN famine relief truck comes to the savanna.

The Republican in me is examining ways to cut big government spending in order to misappropriate more dollars my foreign policy kitty, namely booze. I wanna be able to fight those liberal bastards at the bar so I won’t have to fight them at home.

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Our Man in America wishes he had talked to this lady before he spent $60,000 to learn the craft of journalism. All this time he was looking for sources he had no idea they were willing to buy products and services just to get to him.