Our Man in America divorces imaginary wife
Self Editor’s Note: Earlier today Our Man in America divorced his imaginary wife. Here is a copy of his closing argument, which he is proud to say the misogynistic U.S. Tribal Council of White Elders — AKA the Supreme Court (includes women, by the way!!!) — approved unanimously.
LET HER go home to her parents, your honor, but leave my daughters with me, for when I married her into my apartment she had no children. I know I am a drunk. I’m incapable of raising children. I neglected my children and beat the shit out of their mother, which is why she wants a divorce. But my mother in the village can raise my children. After all it is that old Kenyan bitch that pressured me to get married.
You are 35, goddamn it! Your 16-year-old brother is married and has two children, for God’s sake. I don’t care who you marry – Asian, White, Latina, Latino, Goat, Invisible, just marry the fuck up. I want to see my great-grandchildren before I die.
Objection? Overruled but go ahead. Why do I want to keep daughters? Dowry, you traitor of an attorney. Sellout!!! What are you doing defending a woman, anyway — an invisible one, no less? Class action, my ass.
My invisible wife can keep my son. He is a disgrace to the African race, anyway. He doesn’t fight other boys unnecessarily like I used to. Bows and arrows, a meal every other day, corruption, bloodletting, cattle rustling are all foreign to him. Plus if I leave him with his invisible mother, I think his Invisible White part of the family will groom him to be president of these Unique States of America. (Though I doubt since my son has no African dictatorial training he’d know what to do when dumb, undereducated Americans bring machine guns to his health care town hall meetings).
UPDATE: Hate mail from one feminist judge at the U.S. Tribal Council of White Elders:
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, “INCLUDES WOMEN?” WE FEMINISTS FUCK SHIT UP TOO. WE WANT EQUAL REPRESATANTIONS. WE TOO ARE WILLING CAPABLE AND ABLE AND WILLING TO FCUK SHIT UP, SO SCREW YOU (NOT LITERARY) AND ANYONE – MAN OR WOMAN — THAT THINKS THE VILLAIN HAS ALWAYS GOT TO BE MAN. MAYBE IN THE MOVIES THAT’S TRUE. BUT THIS IS REAL LIFE. I’M THE RULER – THE MEASUREMENTICAL INSTRUMENT OF ALL THAT IS RIGHT. DON’T YOU FORGET THAT.
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