An African’s travel advisory to the continent

Self Editor’s Note: Sometimes Our Man in America receives calls from Americans seeking advice on travel to the motherland.  “I was checking the State Department’s website and they say there are a lot of kidnappings. What’s your take?”

Yes, there is violence. A lot of savagery crime. They kidnap you and ask for a $5-million ransom – Zimbabwean dollars, that is. That’s about $2 American. Seems like nothing but in a continent where most people live on less than a dollar a day?

And here is the mistake most Americans make: they say, “Jesus Christ, you had me scared for a minute there, Buki. Here is $20. Back in America I make that in an hour.”

“Are you fucking with us, you crazy American? What the heck are we going to do with American money? We want the money in Zimbabwean dollars?”

So you head to the foreign exchange window at the Kenyan bank – under the watchful eye of Buki and his thugs, of course — and walk out with a truckload (literary) of money.

“If anyone asks, you tell them you are a wealthy Zimbabwean farmer and we are your hands,” Buki says, as his thugs load the truck.

“Hands?”

“Yes, farmhands, you stupid American.”

“Oh, your English is impressive, Buki. And what does your name mean?”

“Why does my name have to mean anything, you freaking racist? But since you asked, let me tell you. Buki means that if you ask one more stupid question I will kill you – slowly. Here in Africa we are not like Americans who shoot you in the head ‘boom’ you’re dead. We start killing you with a razorblade and finish you off with a machete. Now get the heck out of here and go tell the FBI, the CIA. But remember your president is our cousin.”

So the crazy American runs behind a bush and uses his Kenyan cell phone – which for some reason has better international rates – to call the U.S. State Department.

“State Department? I’m an American citizen kidnapped by these Zimbabweans. They took my hard-earned dollars – 100 million of them.”

And what does the guy who receives the call do? Does he ask, “Why the fuck, Charlie, didn’t you heed our travel advisory?” Does he ask why Charlie is talking about Zimbabweans when “our global intelligence positioning thingy shows that you are somewhere in the vicinity of that failed state of Somalia?”

No.

The $100 million throws the State Department guy off. He thinks Charlie is a wealthy American. But protocol demands that he verify Charlie’s citizenship.

“Charlie, I’m gonna ask you a question that only an American would know, and if you answer it correctly I will send help. What do M&Ms do?”

“I don’t know, they rap with black doctors who have neither PhDs nor MDs.”

“Come on, Charlie, I’m not talking about whiggas and that crappy music they listen to. Think candy and hot Rift Valley temperatures.”

“Oh, I know this one. God! Jesus Christs! Wait! Wait! Don’t tell me.”

“I’m not gonna tell you.”

“They melt in your mouth.”

“Bingo, Charlie.”

“Fuck yeah!”

Charlie’s expression alerts Buki and his thugs, who run over, wielding homemade razorblades. He drops the phone.

The patriot at the State Department calls that Kenyan-born American president.

“Word up, All Mighty O? Looks like your people have kidnapped one of ours. Very wealthy guy. Had $100 million in his pocket.”

The $100 million figure throws All Mighty O off, too. “Must be one of WeEvil Cheney’s boys. Blackwater, I think.”

You’d think All Mighty O would just hang up after establishing that Charlie is a friend of WeEvil Cheney’s. But All Mighty O and Cheney are bound by blood.

Really. Seriously.

All Mighty O calls General Petreaus.

“Howdy, General Pets?

“Woof, woof!”

“This is your commander in chief – the first American commander in chief with a funny name and skin pigment. It’s OK. You can tell me I’m witty. But listen,  I want Charlie back in this great land of the free. I don’t care what you have to do. Stop the wars in Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan. If you have to blow up the whole village, do it. Charlie is an American, and that makes his life more valuable.”

“But, oh dear All Mighty O, your grandmother lives in that little village where the rebels are holding Charlie at machete point.”

“My grandmother is not an American, is she, General Petreaus?”

“Mr. President, I think you should reconsider your decision to engage. Shouldn’t we send Bill Clinton’s wife to negotiate first?”

“My husband is not the secretary of state, I am,”* Madam Clinton, who all this time has been spying on his old rival, interjects.

Having won the biggest argument they ever had with Bill Clinton’s wife in November 2008, All Mighty O ignores her.

“Listen, Gen. Petreaus, the United States does not negotiate with terrorists. God is on our side. Now go out there and kick ass!”

*

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Tags: Bill Clinton, Blackwater, cheney, General Petreaus, Kenyan violence, secretary of state, travel advisory, U.S. State Department, zimbabwean dollars