Raila to outlaw ‘p.m’ in Kenyan time, Kibaki approves
Raila Odinga, the man designated to become Kenya’s prime minister, vowed yesterday that his first order of business when he takes office would be to outlaw the use of “p.m,” the abbreviation that indicates the beginning of afternoon in a 12-hour time clock.
“The constitutional amendment that created my post clearly stipulates that there should be only one PM in Kenya,” said Raila, the longtime kingmaker who’s soon to be finally crowned King. “Therefore, it would be a breach of the power-sharing agreement for Kenyans to say, 2:00 p.m, 3:00 p.m, 11:00 p.m and so forth.”
There will be an exception, however, as Kenyans will be allowed to use 1:00 p.m to constantly remind themselves and others that there is only one PM in Kenya, he said.
In response to Raila’s decree, President Mwai Kibaki said he fully supported his former bitter rival. When asked about the utility of changing a format most of the world has been using since time immemorial, Kibaki said it was “a common sense” part of the power-sharing deal.
“Kenyans don’t go around every day shouting, ‘two president,’ ‘nine president,’ so why should they insult Raila by calling for more than one PM?” the president challenged.
In what he called “our government’s step towards championing human rights,” Kibaki took it a step further by saying he would ask Raila to outlaw the use of the abbreviation, “MP” when referring to lawmakers.
“We don’t want an innocent dyslexic Kenyan to go to jail for reading out loud that there are 210 elected PMs in Parliament,” Kibaki said.
It is unclear what Kenyans will call their legislators, should Kibaki’s crazy idea become law. But those like Sabatia MP Musalia Mudavadi who are assured Cabinet posts have been overheard advocating for “Backbenchers” or BBs in short. That has gotten some MPs outraged.
“I can already imagine Kenyans contorting “BB” to sound like “bibi,” the Kiswahili word for wife,” said one legislator, who spoke on condition of anonymity because he thought there was a remote chance that he was on the list of assistant ministers.
The MP said, though, that he would support the use of the BB title should he be appointed.
And in unusual change of heart the government’s spokesman, Alfred Mutua – a longtime enemy of Raila and the press – asked journalists to stop insulting Raila by adding “-designate” to his title.
Responding to the unforeseen cooperation between Raila and Kibaki, Maina Kiai, the chairman of the Kenyan National Commission on Human Rights, said Kofi Annan, the former U.N. secretary general who successfully brokered a deal between the two men had feared they would become bed buddies.
“When I told Annan that when two elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers, he told me, ‘We have to be careful because when the same elephants make love, the grass hurts too,’” Kiai said.
Although there was nothing to indicate that the two jumbos had made love, it was clear that they had engaged in some foreplay, Kiai said.
Apparently unaware that Kiai’s statement was not literal, First Lady Lucy Kibaki dashed into the bedroom she shares with her husband, wielding a butcher’s knife, hoping to catch him with Raila, State House employees reported.
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